Little did I know that this is what I signed up for when I agreed to attend Hangzhou International Day.
“A government tour for foreign teachers, to show Chinese culture,” is how my boss, Mark, innocently described it.
So, given a perfect excuse for canceling three of my classes in the middle of the week, I climbed into a mianbao che with Wendy and Roger at 7:30am on a crisp Wednesday morning and headed toward the meeting place for the HZ International Day at Hefang Jie (河坊街).
It all started out normally enough. There was an inordinate amount of foreigners milling about the entrance to Hefang Jie, waiting to begin their “tours.” I also noticed a few cameramen weaving in and out of the throngs of multicolored, international heads of hair that stood out starkly against the sea of black heads that shouldered past us. But, after our tour guide began marching us down Hefang Jie and droning into his microphone about the importance of the ancient streets of Hangzhou, I started to zone out and prepare myself for a drab day of Chinese-style mass tourism.
I was so wrong.
The presence of cameramen should’ve tipped me off. But, at 8:30am, I just wasn’t cognizant enough to make that connection.
As I nonchalantly skimmed the placards describing the ancient roads of Hangzhou and daydreamed about what I’d eat for lunch, someone suddenly shoved a microphone in my face.
“Excuse me, can you speak Chinese?” inquired an eager journalist. The cameraman behind her trained his camera on my face.
“Uh. Uh. A little,” I stammered in Chinese.
“Ok. We want to ask you a question.”
“Okay…” They wouldn’t ask me anything hard, right? Something easy like, Where are you from? What are you doing in Hangzhou? Do you like Hangzhou?
“Why are the ancient roads in Hangzhou important?”
“Um. What?”
Is this a trick question? Some sort of test?
“The ancient roads. Why are they important?”
Yep, I heard that correctly. This is problematic. Definitely should have been listening to the tour guide earlier when he was discussing precisely why the ancient roads were important. Damn me and my propensity to daydream about food at inappropriate times.
This was even more awkward given the fact that I was supposed to be replying in Chinese.
“Um. The roads, are very famous,” was all I could muster.
“Did you know about the ancient roads before?” inquired the reporter further.
“No?”
“No?! “ cried the reporter incredulously. “You had never heard of the ancient roads? Really?!”
It was as though I’d insulted the entirety of Chinese history and culture with my professed ignorance of “the ancient roads.” This was getting exceedingly awkward. And the microphone and camera were still shoved in my face.
When is lunch?
“No…but, I do now. And I understand that the ancient roads help explain Chinese history . Chinese history is very long. 5000 years, you know”
“Ah yes! Very long history,” agreed the reporter happily, finally satisfied with me and my answers.
(Note to anyone ever caught in an awkward conversation with a Chinese person about Chinese history, culture, politics, ect: Merely mention the fact that China has 5000 years of history, and you will instantly resolve said awkward encounter. This is a surefire way to demonstrate that you know that your country is ultimately inferior to China in all aspects).
So. Who knows what parts of that ridiculously awkward interview ended up on the Hangzhou CCTV News. But I do know that, if my debut interview didn’t make it, at least one of these other awkward encounters from Hangzhou International Day probably did:
•Being handpicked from an audience of foreigner teachers, university professors, and government officials to dance the cha-cha with an award-winning dance instructor at one of Hangzhou’s art schools…and failing miserably to rise to the occasion and put one foot in front of the other.
•Being handpicked again from the same audience to do a fan dance with one of the art school’s female dancers…and failing even worse than I did at the cha-cha.
•Having an exceedingly hard time using my chopstick skills to pick up and eat a Traditional Chinese Medicine-inspired radish, and then looking up to see the cameraman trained on my face just as I sloppily drop the slimy radish from between my kuazi.
•Playing a rusty rendition of “Heart and Soul” with Roger at a piano in the music school, and accidentally muttering a not-so-nice swear word when I messed up the harmony—only to look up and see the very same cameraman leaning over the piano with the microphone and taping the entire performance. Great. My cover as a sophisticated, classy lady is blown.
Basically, I have now experienced the timeless and universal Chinese hobby of watching foreigners embarrass themselves while attempting to experience "Chinese culture." It really is a perfect way for Chinese not only to showcase their generosity, hospitality, and kindness, but also to reaffirm in their minds (and maybe ours) that their culture is absolutely superior to that of the bumbling, awkward, unsophisticated foreigners.
Reason #2353789 why I grow more fascinated by the Chinese political and cultural system every day.
